It’s been 13 years since this tradition began. I’m older, crustier, and objectively wiser than I was then. The world seems to have gotten more naive, more pathetic, and objectively more psychotic than it was then. Money is worth less, the faceless megacorps who want you to spend it on them are worth more, and the endless number of things it can buy are crappier. And more often made in China. But I repeat myself.
- Ordinary Men (those who learn not from history are doomed to repeat it like we are now)
- The Gulag Archipelago (I better get ahead of the curve on gulag life since that’s where I’m headed for not falling into line obediently like everyone else)
- 12 More Rules for Life (in last week’s lesson we explored order; can anyone tell me what they know about chaos?)
- Core Memory: A Visual Survey of Vintage Computers (pretty)
- The Art of Invisibility (I can avoid being seen if I wish, but to disappear entirely– that is a rare gift– also, time to ditch Fascistbook)
- The Art of Deception (Be wise as serpents)
- The Art of Intrusion (be thou pwned)
- Survival Guides (things ain’t looking good, folks)
- Wood engraved or embossed sign for over the door with archaic typeface: “WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?” Ideally as close to these measurements as possible, but no bigger: 6″ tall, 60 to 64″ wide (history of why this phrase is meaningful, and an interesting view on why it’s even more relevant today)
- Coat hanger for oily aprons and bowler hats (or maybe this one)
- Classic doorbell button (for kids and clients)
- Really classic doorbell (there are pros and cons to not having an electric doorbell, but this one is even more aesthetically pleasing)
- Classic doorbell chime (‘sno good without the soundmaker)
- Exit push plate
- Eagle for over the door
Unfortunately a lot of the most useful ones can be pricey, but there are a few good security tools that fit within the window of reason.
- The Malduino W (or just the plain old Malduino— the W is wireless and thus somewhat more handy; note that giving this as a gift does not guarantee that you won’t be one of my targets)
- WiFi Keylogger (again, no promises you won’t be a target)
- WiFi Deauther
- USB Protector (never, ever, ever trust public USB charge ports… and if someone powerful enough is after you, maybe don’t trust any USB charge ports… maybe don’t even own any devices as they can and will be used against you)
Now that the basement is finished, the time to add to our home’s soul– both upstairs and down– has arrived.
- If poster (prose by Rudyard Kipling), framed if possible (something to which my boys may aspire)
- Custom house portrait (would be really cool to get the painting of Mormor & Poppy’s house, one of 2391, and one of our house all up on the wall together)
- American Eagle (not sure where I’d put this just yet, but)
- One of the various pieces of art on my ever-expanding art list, framed, canvas preferred but prints are still great (add beauty, meaning, and intrigue to our home). Many of these are public domain and obscure, but they might be printable on canvases or art prints at any number of shops.
No wishlist would be complete without some garb with which to clothe myself and simultaneously send a message to my beholders who may or may not interpret such message as offensive.
- It’s Dangerous to Go Alone (modern problems require modern solutions)
- Vladmir’s Cybersecurity (in Big Te– er– Soviet Russia, data owns YOO)Socialism is for Dunces (such derp)
- Commodore “READY” (bigger and better)
- InGen (company policy)
- Let’s Go Brandon (it brings tears of hope to my eyes to see people of all ages, creeds, and colors across our nation uniting under this banner)
- Fight Like Hell (or this one, or this one) (our children’s future is at stake– blessed are they who plant trees in whose shade they know they’ll never sit)
- Gadsden (or this one) (just try and tread on me)
- Come and take it (with your prissy soy hands)
- Best Dad Ever – Change my mind (only true if the boys declare it so)
- Enjoy Capitalism (as you engage in it to buy the shirt)
- Traitor Joe’s Army Surplus (biggest surplus sale of the century)
- Censored (██████ ███ ██ ███████?)
- Science is Gay (not as an insult, just as a matter of fact; seriously, look at what you’ve been doing for nearly two years– it didn’t come out of a patriarchy playbook, that’s for sure)