Jordan’s Christmas Wishlist 2019

by Jordan Spencer Cunningham on

It’s that time of year when the world falls in love; every song you hear seems to say…

GIVE ME MORE STUFF.

Brass tacks, folks: this is the list. It is tradition. It is a necessitude. The important thing to note is that what I really want is to cut out all of the unnecessaries and savor what little time I have in this mortal coil on what matters the most: my one true love, and my three true boys. In other words: get off my lawn.

Merry Christmas -- now get off my lawn

A lawn would actually be nice. Let’s put that first on the list. I’m tired of calling Remington back in and making him take off his muddy socks. If only people were honest and kept their promises *cough* Clyde Homes *cough*.

  • I have asked for Homestar Runner figurines for years, and each and every time I have been completely ignored. “It’s for the greater good,” they say. This year, they no longer exist. The time is past. Greater good? My foot. They can be still be gotten used via eBay (or this one). Now there are some wooden Meeples that would work okay and are much cheaper than the original figurines, but they are not quite the same.
  • I have also included an AlphaSmart Dana for years as well. Let’s not let the same travesty happen here as happened with the figurines. Note that the prices on these have been jumping up significantly in recent years because poetry-vomiting hipsters and their soy lattes are snatching them up right and left using mommy’s credit card on a Macbook Air sitting in a Starbucks sporting a $300 flannel shirt whilst complaining about corporate greed. I suppose an AlphaSmart 3000 would be okay, but the Dana is much preferred due to its SD card slot and WiFi functionality. UPDATE: The AlphaSmart Neo 2 would be a good alternative as it has a fairly well-sized screen, much better battery life, and should be simpler to deal with. Price isn’t terrible.
  • When I was a kid, my mama got me a Union Pacific wings pin because the Olympics were in town. I cared nothing for the Olympics and still don’t to this day, but I have always loved trains. It’s the only thing I’d allow her to get me “in honor of” the Olympics. That pin was on the lapel of my bomber jacket for years and years, but the paint started flaking. It would be nice to have a new one, though I’m not sure where the heck I’ll wear it. My boys would probably enjoy having one, too. They each got their own 4014 pin when the famed steam engine of that number made its way through our land. This one is pretty cool, too, but the wings take precedence.
  • Shirts that are able to convey a message in one or fewer words and simple designs are the only kind to have. Subtlety is key. Hence the Commodore 64 “READY” shirt.
  • The Commodore logo shirt follows the same rules of simplicity and subtlety.
  • A Packard Bell shirt will be even more obscure but bring back warm memories of a humming piece of Windows 95 junk to those who remember.
  • InGen shirt. Subtle yet satisfying.
  • Teletype Corporation shirt. Seems that my original has gotten some teletype oil on it. I need to create a custom Teletype Corp branded apron to avoid this in the future.
  • Union Pacific mug. I should drink more hot chocolate, and this mug would encourage this behavior. This mug is also really cool– in fact, I think I may like it better than the first. This mug is also very cool– anything done in pewter is a keeper.
  • A framed print of the 4014 “Big Boy” engine emerging from a cloud a steam– descending, as it were, from the windows of heaven or escaping, as it were, the clutches of hell (you might need to talk to the photographer to get a print as the resolution of this one is no good).
  • A framed print of this.
  • Danish Christmas decorations, specifically the following, but generally most anything that is a kind of Danish Christmas tradition:
    • One of Magen’s Danish Christmas gnomes
    • A framed print of that girl holding candles and apples that Mormor had
    • Framed print of those little Christmas elves walking over a snowy hill with the caption “gl├Ždelig jul”, carrying packages if I recall correctly– also Mormor’s. I cannot find it online, but I believe one Elisa happens to have a copy of it in her home.
  • I have been able to find Franz Chocolate Cream Pies for $1.00 at Macey’s and WalMart as of late. Hostess (or whatever soulless corporation cut off Hostess’ face and wears it like a mask after Hostess went bankrupt) still makes the fruit (i.e. garbage) ones, but I have not seen any Hostess-branded chocolate (i.e. worth eating) ones. I would be happy with either brand chocolate pie in my hands, mouth, or gut.
  • Mister Goodbars and Krackels. Bonus points if they are full sized, especially the Krackels– it’s been difficult to find full sized Krackels for many years. It seems as if Hersheys is slowly depleting their inventory of the bite sized ones they stocked up on back in the 80s. I realize I am the only one who likes them, but good news: more for me. Except with Remington around– he broke into my stash of Mister Goodbars and decimated them. So apparently there are two of us who like them, actually.
    • The above point is not to replace the traditional Symphony Bars (with toffee), but rather to complement them. I have always said that nobody is entitled anything in life (to quote the famed Mark Twain, “The world doesn’t owe you anything. It was here first.”), but I will say that if I am entitled to anything, it is some toffee Symphony Bars at Christmas.

Nothing else seems to come to mind. Yet.