Archive for April, 2013

Carl's Junior's Response to My Open Letter

by Jordan Spencer Cunningham on

In lieu of my recent displeasure with Carl’s Junior’s mode of advertising, a PR person responded to me, and this response apparently was kinder than the responses others have received; it also sported a promise to forward my request up the line. In hopes that we may have redress, I share their response with you, loyal readers.

If you’re one of those people who consider themselves “forward thinkers”, you might raise your finger at me in a philosophical way as you push your glasses up your nose and tell me with condescension that Carl’s Junior has every right to advertise themselves however they want; I will push your glasses farther up your nose and tell you that you are correct. I will further tell you, however, that I have every right to be displeased with any company who vies for my patronism, and I also have the right (and the duty) to invite them to alter their methods or else say farewell to my money. Surely even the forward thinkers of the world can wrap their heads around the fairness of that as they kick and scream about the fairness of everything else. I won’t go into morals here, though, because the forward thinkers of the world have all but done away with them except for murder and similar extremes, and we the people can’t use them as grounds for reform anymore.

Now, for the response. As I anticipated, their vocabulary replaces our common words of “sexually stimulating”, “immoral”, and “inappropriate” with the much more positive “creative” and “entertaining content”. You see, apart from the hard-core pornographees, nobody is going to watch anything that’s “immoral” or “inappropriate”, but everyone loves creativity and entertainment as long as the media tells them that that’s what it is! Just rip the “POISON” label off of the bottle and print out a billion colorful “A BOTTLE O’ FUN!” stickers, and you’ll be able to kill off a billion families in a week and be all the richer for it, especially if you pay off the People in Charge to cover it up for you with shouts of “Rights!”, “Freedom!”, “Entitlements!”, “Tolerance!”, and, somehow, “Global Warming!”.

Oh, and I mean no offense to the people with glasses.

Dear Mr. Jordan Spencer Cunningham,

Thank you for taking the time to share your comments with us.

CKE Restaurants, Inc., owner and franchisor of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s restaurants, adopts a creative approach to our advertising. We do not aim to offend anyone with our efforts, but merely to offer entertaining content. We understand that not everyone may view our advertising the same way, so we respect all views and welcome all comments.

We regret that you were displeased with our advertising promotion.  Your feedback is very important to us, and I have passed your comments on to our marketing department and senior management.  Thank you again for taking the time to contact us.


[Name Withheld for Obvious Reasons]
Carl’s Jr. Guest Relation

Open Letter of Disgust to Carl's Junior

by Jordan Spencer Cunningham on

See also: Carl’s Junior’s Response to My Open Letter

I hate television and therefore never watch it, but I was alerted to this sad reflection on society and have decided to do something about it. I’m taking my burgers back! If you at all feel the same way as I do– and I love Carl’s Junior, and I love virtue and morality and cleanliness of mind– please have your voice heard by navigating to their website to log your own formal complaint. Please. My tasteless tastebuds and shrinking waistline are counting on you to help tasteify and expandify them.

Dearest Carl,

Along with many others, I am thoroughly disgusted with your new “Mrs. Robinson” commercial. I have been a long-time fan of Carl’s Jr. and, between my own spending and allowing wealthier people than I to take me out to lunch and dinner, I have spent literally hundreds if not thousands of dollars at your restaurants. “Fan” is an understatement, too; for example, people have known me to say that “the Big Carl is proof that God exists and that He loves his children immensely.” However, this new commercial of yours is not only unnecessary but is only giving in to a relatively small but loud and obnoxious portion of the population who tend to love their lives sexualized. If you continue to air this and other such commercials, you obviously don’t want my business and the business of my family and friends– you obviously want only the business of people who can’t control themselves sexually. If this continues without redress, I will take my business elsewhere. I am very sorry that such a reputable chain has fallen to these moral depths, and I thought better of you.

And if you’re just going to tell me that you need creative license to advertise as you’ve told others I know, you might as well save the bandwidth because I’d rather not hear it. “Creative” my foot. That’s just an excuse. Your marketing minions have seen that sex sells all too well in this corrupted world of ours, and you’re giving in to that just like everyone else. It’s thoroughly unnecessary. I promise you that, despite all of the marketing hogwash that you’re fed by overpaid marketeers, you will be more of a successful chain without this kind of advertising.

I suggest you get back on track for the sake of your business and the sake of your many disappointed customers. I plead it of you– I want more Big Carls, and so does my family of nine and my vast network of friends. You don’t want the money that could be yours going to the local Arctic Circle chain, do you?

Regards, if any,

–Jordan Spencer Cunningham