Facebook Is a Cesspool for Mediocrity

by Jordan Spencer Cunningham on

A friend of mine recently joined what I like to call Fascistbook today. To newcomers I usually give a warning that goes along the lines of “What are you doing here?! Get out while you still can if you value your self-discipline and self-control!” I left a message on the wall of this person saying just that, and he replied with “You underestimate my power.”

I left a doozy of a reply, and I thought it was rather entertaining (not to mention true), so here it is for posterity:

I underestimated my power, and now look at me: a fatty sitting in an old swivel chair from DI whose springs are beginning to poke through the bottom as I stalk you and Monica and everyone else on my “friend” list all day and all night, my heart pounding when I see a new update on someone’s profile, tears of mediocre joy falling down my face when I see that magical red number that means that someone has interacted with me. I eat pizza or McDonald’s for every meal, my room is awash in Snickers wrappers, and I forgot what Julie the dog looks like.

I would hate to see you in the same position, Reggiefriend.

Okay. So I exaggerated. But some people really are like that, and the bulk of humanity that uses Fascistbook find themselves addicted at one point or another. Several times. The draw is dangerous. The mediocrity is poisonous. I think there should be a sign before you log in that says: “BIOHAZARD SUIT REQUIRED”.

Facebook is a tool– a horrid tool that’s designed to suck you in– but a tool that only you can choose what to do with nonetheless; in some respects, it can be quite useful. How’s about you take a lesson from the scriptures? If you eventually find that this describes you, then you’ve fallen into the Fascistbook Armpit, and it will take all of the powers of heaven (not to mention your own might) to drag you out of it:

“For all the Athenians and strangers which were there spent their time in nothing else, but either to tell, or to hear some new thing.”

–Acts 17:10

The draw is especially dangerous when one is at college. Beware the Face.

P.S. If you haven’t read my inclusive article on the Facebook Conundrum, then you should by clicking that link (or this one. They’re both the same; I’m just giving you more choice so that you feel empowered).