The Rebel Plot to Overthrow the Obamic Empire

by Jordan Spencer Cunningham on

I had one of the very best dreams last night, and I will share it below in great detail to the delight of all– even those who worship the belowmentioned and belowregarded president. Note to whichever federal three letter agencies may read this: I have no desire for the actual assassination of any political leader no matter how much he/she sucks.

This took place some years in the future as President Obama had thence become Emperor Obama and had taken over the many habitable planets in the universe and covered them in banners bearing his photoshopped face looking towards the heavens in an overly dramatic way that hinted towards condescension. One of these posters are shown below:

Oh, whoops. I get them confused.

I was part of the rebel alliance who were defying his control, and it was my job to assassinate Emperor Obama while the rebel force attacked his palace on our home planet.

I received a briefing for my mission via telepathic transmission so that I could see exactly what I needed to see right in my head. The entire rebel army would be attacking Emperor Obama’s palace. Once on planet Earth, I would need to covertly sneak into his palace by way of a staircase that only existed every few hours while the rebel army distracted Emperor Obama’s guards.

Once the telepathic briefing ended, I mounted my trusty dragon and flew him off into space. The planets in this particular dimension were all flat, so I could see many land masses float past us as we raced off through the sky. On our way, we flew into gold coins and special items floating in space so that we could collect them (I don’t know if we got extra lives once we collected one hundred gold coins). Eventually we landed on planet Earth near Emperor Obama’s Palace where the battle was already raging.

I must have been caught in the process because the next thing I knew, I was in Emperor Obama’s office, and he was circling me with narrowed eyes, gloating about how he caught me and thrwarted the rebellion, telling me about the tortures he would put my friends through, and how he would never relent control of the empire.

As Emperor Obama was busy with his monologue (the downfall of nearly all fictitious villains), I sneakily took a sewing needle from his desk and waited for him to circle back around to gloat to my face again. When the moment was just right, I reached around him with the reflexes of only a true American and stabbed him to the heart with the needle.

He turned around and glared at me as blood began to slowly stain his casual attire, but I wasn’t wasting my time waiting for him to strike; I sneakily reached back to his desk with my hand to a pair of scissors, but he was already on to me. Fortunately for the sake of the rebel cause, the United States of America, and the universe as a whole, he didn’t steal the scissors I was heading for, but he had the same idea as I did. Right as I snatched those scissors from his desk, he used his dark magic to conjure a pair in his iron fist, and then he thrust the pair towards my side and began to angrily cut away my armpit. Scissors in hand, I winced at the pain and wondered if I would ever be able to sweat again, and then I stabbed his chest repeatedly as he continued to cut away my armpit.

I must have finally done away with the antiperspirative monster because the next thing I knew, I was in the courtyard of Emperor Obama’s palace commanding Mackenzie Kunz (my succeeding treasurer of the choir) to help me weed out the traitors of the alliance and kill them, thereafter effectively ending Emperor Obama’s tyrannical administration over the universe. I don’t remember burning down any Obamaic Shrines or incarcerating any Obamaic Priests in their Obamaic Halls of Sacrifice, but I’m sure there was plenty of cleaning up to do around the universe. While riding our dragons. And collecting gold coins.